Letter to Tyrus. Tumblin'.

I tumbled into a house in uptown Sedona, friends of D.'s. It is unfurnished so I sleep on a mattress in the middle of the living room under the cathedral ceiling. Huge windows and views of the red rock mountains. The people worship cats and are into ancient Egypt. They painted Egyptian symbols and images on the walls in the whole house and then painted over them. You can't see them but you can feel them. I feel like I am sleeping in the temple.

I am no longer making plans for my life, for anything, and doubt I ever will again. This experience brought me to where I feel I was meant to be, finally. I was in the tumbler and fell out cathartically into some sort of new. It's cool. I flow, I float, I watch, I observe. I go with the story. We'll see where it takes "me", or the Harmony. I don't really care any more. I lost grip of the outer and swim eternally in the oceans of Bliss. There are things I want but as they once said; "God can imagine for you better than you can imagine for yourself." So I let it go.

After the solstice.

I can't hear my guides any more, not since the summer solstice. I am kept in a cocoon of light and I can't see or hear anything.

The past couple of weeks have for me been extremely turbulent and hectic. Total chaos. No idea where it's all going.

Such energy, such complete divine orchestration. I feel totally blind and I think I am. I see nothing, I know nothing, I hear very little.

I feel I am inside of a typhoon / hurricane / tornado. But I trust in the divine to lead me to the right next plateau of my movie of life.

Great big sign finally.

After over two years in Sedona and not having a clue what I was doing here and no life what so ever opening up for me here ever . . . and wanting to go but that not either appearing to be possible, for all this time. I had wondered if I was not supposed to be here for whatever reason. I doubted that we were in fact ever going to leave.

I have not connected with any community, no activities, made no friends, have done really nothing, no sightseeing, hiking or exploring, just working or resting deeply. I haven't even bought one souvenir. I have really not tapped into this town what so ever, not at all. (The mountains, yes, the town, no.) And I was wondering.

So, recently we reconnected with some people who I felt would be our connection into the Sedona scene. I felt this could be the opening into us having something to do with this place and it's inhabitants. So we were going to get together with these new people . . . and each day they canceled with us and resceduled for the next day. Day after day. Now a week has gone by and we have not seen them still.

So, today I realize that we are actually not going to connect or work together and probably we are finally leaving this hole and that my life is waiting for me somewhere else and that as soon as I get there I will have a real life. Can't wait to go. Now I feel really released from here. Just a great sign that we are not connected in any way to this place. Just passing through, like we first planned and we are still on our journey.

It's been restful and tranquil bordering on intense boredom. But now, there is nothing in my mind that tells me that maybe we are supposed to do something here. I'm telling you. This place is boring. And goodbye.

Cracking.

I am surrounded by such beauty here,
I am cracking, I crack.

This is getting me ready fro my next place,
Camden, Maine.

And that will get me ready for my final place,
Bar Harbor, Maine.

In paradise.

I am deep in nature again. All I do is sit quietly around my house and the outdoors and absorb this intense bliss energy of this property, this vortex. I do that all day long, sometimes conscious and sometimes in a deep trance or a daze.

I actually get to live and sleep inside this bliss vortex and manifestation portal day in and day out. I know it is doing something really good to me. Being in Sedona was very challenging and not sweet, negative in a way. This place in Oak Creek Canyon is tremendously and powerfully sweet and lovely. The nature energies at their absolute highest.

I wake up to amazingly loud nature sounds (better than traffic). There is the fighting of ravens, the tremendously loud hoot of the peacocks right outside my window, the chickens and the two roosters at four o'clock in the morning, all sorts of song birds, the tree frogs, and the one sitting in my windowsill on the outside. If you have had tree frogs you know how loud those tiny critters are. : )

The peacocks and chickens belong to the neighbour and owner of the place. There are also two dogs and a goat that may come up and visit from time to time. The goat is not friendly and will buck and bite and eat the roses and I have been told to use the water hose on him if he shows up. That is the only thing that will chase him away. : >

There are of course, hummingbirds and hawks and all sorts of insects. The other day my cats helped me find a blind, tiny, little baby mole, a big, long toed lizard and an angry scorpion in the house. I have talked to the scorpions and the have retreated, thankfully. We have a huge colony of bees in a tree outside the front door and over the terrace. Massively huge. I can hear them buzzing from inside the house. : )

There is honeysuckle, several kinds of roses and many kinds of English garden variety flowers, together with desert plants and enormous cactus. Inside as well as outside, yes, really. There is a pretty sizeable koi pond inside the house in an atrium. You really have to see this place to believe it. There is SOOOOO much more, but I shall not go on any more.

Oceans of Bliss !!!

I'm up here in the woods, in this cabin in the woods,

between three mountains and I am swimming in bliss,

swimming in OCEANS OF BLISS.

Whoah!!!

Is it this place,

or is it just me,

or is it the times we now are in . . .

Intense it is,

this stream line of Perfection.

Morfar.

Yes, I remember ... always will.
Thank you for your ever love and guidance.

*

Away ...

To this place I soon depart ...

Photography from www.acadiamagic.com

Very ill.

I have experienced a total and complete break just recently. A break from the direction I thought my life was taking. I imagined that, logically, now things would unfold in a certain way and in a certain direction. Even though I heard from the upstairs that I wasn't going to do what I thought I was, I couldn't let go of the idea. It just seemed so logical to me, my imagined direction.

So, instead, a great break has taken place within my being, a break away from everything that I thought I was and everything I thought I was all about. Liberating really, since I really didn't want to go in the direction I imagined I had to.

I have been very, very ill. Spent a whole day at the ER and another ten days at the hospital in great pain and barely conscious. Finally through their care, prayer, healing from local healers and help from the upstairs, I pulled through. And I feel like I have been emptied completely. I don't know what my life is about and I have asked for direction and guidance and am beginning to see a new light. I feel like I died and came back. I feel like another person altogether. I feel another life is beginning.

Just as I finished the Eternal Fountain web site and my MySpace I felt sort of an end to my spiritual path. A closure. It has been a long and crazy journey and now something else begins. I think I may be going back to being just regular, magical, old me. Pagan, wiccan, witch ... magical fairy forest dancer and dreamer. Or to something entirely new ... ? ? ?

I know I will be on magical lands. Hoping to soon visit Scotland, England, Wales, Ireland and south of France. Perhaps an entirely ordinary life. One can only wish ...

Snow in Sedona.

It snowed all night. Today all of Sedona is covered with wet, heavy snow and the daylight reflects off it brilliantly and lights up my whole house.

My cats are very interested in this newness but I haven't seen snow in 15 years and am feeling in a bit of a shock. ; ) I tried to take a walk outside with my house mate but we returned quickly to the house. It was very slippery. I am enjoying the fantastic and beautiful view from all my windows and it is very pretty. It will probably melt in a day or two, so I am enjoying it for today.

Intense guidance.

I am absolutely overpowered by the energies of this new year, 2009!!! I am feeling such an intense rush of extremely high energies, and I know it's about the new year, but why and what's going to come of it, I do not know, no clue, so I am mystified.

All seems good though and I try all I can to just go with it. This energy has forced me to follow guidance to get out there and network on the web, for some reason. Everything is always one more step, the next step in this crazy journey of mine.

I am feeling intensely burnt out and at the same time I am hurried all day long to keep up with all the web connections I am making. It is a strange experience.

My guidance is very present and they are on it all day long; "do this, do that, now do this and now do that ..." So I keep up and try to listen. For several months last year, all I had to do was to lay low and be still. Now there is such activity, in a way. I am curious about the step following this one. Where am I being brought? What's really happening here?

All the while I am feeling so much extreme L-i-g-h-t and so much intense L-o-v-e, it is fantastic, incredible . . .

NEW YEAR, TRULY.

Oh, Lord and Lady!!! I am experiencing such a difference now from last year of 2008.

On the day after Christmas Day I felt such an unusual and new energy come in, as if the new year started on that day. Each day since I have had a surge of energy, creative and outgoing. It felt as if last year was all about waiting and seeing and receiving little things on my way, being set up in the world just a little bit. Now, it's full on super charge of energy pushing me, my life and my work forward with SUCH might. I don't know where it's going totally clearly but every day I am made to write, write, write and I have so much energy. Did I say that? I have tons of creative energy pushing me forward.

It feels like such an extraordinary GOOD LUCK energy. Do you feel it too??

Sound and silence.

As I find out more about the musicians behind the Rumi's birthday performance, I again long to feel sound and live in the sound and the transformation and movement, the landscape of sound and music.

I used to do, live and work sound for healing; toning, singing, talking, humming, chanting, clapping, rattles and drums. As I find on the web these incredible sound healers and musicians here in Sedona, I sadly miss the sound and music in my own life.

In the year 2000 my life of external journey of activity and sound turned into an intense inward journey of stillness, silence, continued loss and much solitude. Now for nine years I have wondered much about why I was to be so quiet, why everything had to be taken from me, wondered even though I could observe the unfolding of it all. Missing what I had and not knowing where I was going instead. Still sad over all the losses.

Now, after the completion of the strangeness, with the Shiva - Shakti union, I am looking for a home and a home base where I can share the Great Silence and its' magnificence and perfection and all that comes from it. Might it be Sedona?

Am I here to stay?
Or am I passing through
even here, yet again, still?
Am I still on a journey towards something,
or can I sit down now, finally,
eh ????????

Is it here? Or is it elsewhere?

Sad, sad, sad . . .
so sad over all that I have had to give up.

Just astonishing.

I have wondered quite, and sometimes desperately at why, over the past few years (four exactly), I have been surrounded by such and only insanity; addiction, irrationality, alcoholism, violence, abuse, compulsive lying, pathological lying, back stabbing, let down, controlling, personal attacks (because I am spiritual) and so on and so on and so on. Every singe day, all day long, sometimes with great volume and intensity. I wondered "why me?", such a gentle soul I am (even though I have now finally learned to become a strong bitch with all the attacking that's been going on). I knew somewhere there was a reason for it all, for the direct intensity of it and that I would find out why in the end.

Lately, in the midst of such - OK not hurricanes lately but gusts only, lately - I am now beginning to see a great change in me . . . and the reasons for such crazy and constant pressure from the outside. I find now that during this time I have been cleansed of any and all resistance I carried to such behaviours by others. Seems like I had tons of it. I was raised to think and feel that certain behaviours were unthinkable, unacceptable and intolerable - manners, etiquette. I used to react powerfully to abuse and craziness and all of that in others with intense rejection and judgement. Well, now I find that this resistance of mine has been shaved away over the years, so much that now in the midst of craziness I am more and more calm, undisturbed, unfazed, non-reactive, accepting, patient and deeply compassionate - a deep Love pours out inside of me, through me - as my own resistance to such experiences has so dramatically diminished. I look upon the struggling souls, in mountainous pain and terror, react to the world around them with irrational, backwards, intense and strange - sort of crazy - behaviours and feel extraordinary surges of Love, an astonishing Love is revealed from inside, from within. Free from tension and reaction . . . free to Love.

OK, so this process isn't finished yet. But since I am able to see it it is in the end times of the experience. I am sure this was intentional on the part of my guides, in order for me to become more non - reactive meeting strangers in the storm of the pain of life. Luckily, I feel now that I have been prepared by all this to handle meeting whomever. Being so empathic as I am I am less troubled now. Peace in the midst of war.

Still in Sedona.

I am still in Sedona. I had plans to visit this place, plans to leave, plans to get going, plans to move to . . . (a million places), plans - I guess . . . I am still here in Sedona. She keeps me here and takes care of me, fixes me up, restores me and keeps me still. Oh, well. I can't seem to get out of here. So I accept. Sedona wants something with me, wants to fix me still. I accept now. So many people here say you come here when it's your turn and you are kept here until it's time to go. It is done to all who come here. OK, then. I accept now that I am here and that I can't get out of here yet. Like twilight zone. It's OK. (Acceptance usually leads to change.) When the time comes, if ever. Maybe I'm locked into Sedona. Who knows? Only Sedona, and them in the ground and them upstairs.

*

I enjoy the climate here, the mild winter, the feelings of fall. Sun, always sun. Trees, nature, the howling of the coyotes at night, the stars, the clear sky, the pristine air, the silence and stillness, the power from the mountains surging through me, my little house with big windows and trees everywhere, all my animals, the simplicity of every day and the lots and lots of rest.

Filling . . . trancing . . . cleansing.

The filling continues, has been going on now for days, a filling of my physical form, my cellular structure, filling . . . filling . . . with the Supreme. How can I possibly describe it? Physically.

And as this goes on, I am completely incapacitated. I can't do anything at all whatsoever, nothing. handicapped, paralyzed. I can get up and get ready for the day and I can eat, but . . . Each and every day I fall into a deep trance as the filling takes place and a completely powerful energy surges through me, engulfs me, absorbs me, consumes me, my body, completely. Hours and hours on end each and every day. And it just keeps going. I can't stop it either. Making plans to do anything in the external is near impossible. Doing anything is pretty much impossible. Thinking is pretty much impossible. Which is frustrating. It is almost as if I am drugged by the above. I was brought up to be a doer, to accomplish and to have things make sense. But I am made to not even be able to think about it, incapable of worry. What's happening is very, very powerful. Wish I knew what it was.

My cats sleep with me, fly with me, trance with me. They adore it. It heals them and makes them tranquil. If I move to another room they get up and follow me and lay down all around me. They want to be near me, immediately near me. Funny how animals respond to the true language - energy.

* * *

And the longer I get to stay in Sedona, the more I get to remember past times in this life and I get to go through a sort of severing from all those times - memories, attachments and experiences. I am feeling a sense of loss as I am re-living it all emotionally and it is removed from my being. I only got to be in each place and know each person for such a short period of time, then it was always onward and forward, towards some place in future time. Right now I am remembering high school and people around me at that time. I feel a cleansing of sorts, a letting go of some sort of something carried (even though I didn't know I carried it). I assume I am getting lighter from this cleansing. It feels very complete. And it is sad. I am having a deep sadness of having to leave and always leave. I have been in so many places and experienced so many things and cared for so many people. Even people I never spoke to, you know, in high school. Now I am being made to clear it all out on en energy level. I guess I am raising my vibration tremendously here in this place, Sedona.

Rebirth.

I am going through something massive, a rebirth of sorts. Such rebirth. It even feels like Birth, to be specific. Being born now. I think it has to do with the Grace Light still changing things. Now it's going to get real, is what my angels say.

I am feeling very strange, infused, heavily infused. Something new is beginning. I am totally being born on a TOTALLY new level. I feel like I can't be a human being with a private and personal life any more and what unfolds is a personal and private life. As I feel it will all be service each moment, my comfort at home and in my private sphere grows, nothing else for now. There is no time for me, except when I sleep. But that is the time my angels talk to me, feed me the information about everything that is going on, about what's next, what to do and how. Always working. At the same time all I do now is chill and wait, let go and let Goddess. What is what?

But now, in ultimate bliss and well - being . . . surrender. Oh, my God, unbelievable rebirth. Recycling my ancient self.

Here we go.

I am finally going on my journey again. Soon I am leaving Sedona after having spent just over a year in this magical land. I haven't done anything I wanted to do but energetically I have done everything I came here to do, I received. I feel OK with that now, complete with the process I came here here to have, quite deeply rejuvenated.

So, I am on my way finally back towards Europe, from where I came 14 years ago. It was on 9/11 that I decided I really wanted to go back to Europe. It has taken me 7 years. (Hm. It took me 10 years to come back to the U.S. after my first initial visit here. Hm. Interesting.) I am passing through New England, Maine, on my way off this continent. Summer in Maine. That'll do. Of course, I still miss L.A. and may go back there some day, but as I said before, when I lived there I felt I was missing out on all the things and all the places still to be seen in the world and I felt a pull back to Europe. I am drawn to Scotland, England, France, Italy and Greece.

I am feeling more and more normal. My life is quite normal now and things in my life are unfolding beautifully rather than as profound challenges. My life is more and more normal but I have yet to feel totally normal again. I wait for that day. I just want a normal life, a life that makes sense, a life of order and rhythm, creativity and social activities. I am still confused about this thing called free will. I don't seem to have any. Things unfold in my life absolutely without any regard to my thoughts, wishes, prayers or otherwise intending my will upon creation. I am OK with that since now things flow so well and kindly towards me.

Just being.

I am watching as my external life is now beginning to fill in more and more the empty places with experiences of the world of matter. Things, places and people are showing up and where there was a huge empty void, after the massive clearing and cleansing of my life, after the kundalini chaos, there now seems to be a new life filling the void that was my external life.

I am deeply and completely enjoying the total depth of the of the Absolute through the world of matter, all is as it is, in every moment, and as beauty and abundance begin to arrive physically and surround my person it is double the fun and pleasure.

I am still in Arizona, in Sedona, with incredibly magical desert all around. I never thought I'd be here and I never thought I'd be here this long. I don't even know what I am doing here except absorbing the energy of the land and getting ready for my new life.

We are renting yet another house in the middle of town for the time being. I want one thing, my biz partner wants another thing and I am sure God the Mother has Her various plans for the details of my life. I don't know how it will unfold or how long I will be here. It is still all up in the air and everything is temporary.

In the desert, with enough water, roses grow around the house (which unfortunately you can't see on these pics) and I care for them together with my big cat every morning and get to have fresh roses in the kitchen, dining room and living room every day. That's what I do each day before breakfast, care for the roses and for the cats and swim for exercise.

To have flowers, trees and water in the desert makes it so much more fun (for me). It is not too hot yet, just really warm and no bugs, no mosquitoes, which I had in my two most recent places and couldn't be outside at all. I can't live if I can't be outside a LOT. It is summer and life is good.

I got to be here.

It was sacred, serene and beautiful. The land held me in place for many months. I had to be still in nature. I got to see Arizona in the summer and then also in the fall and winter and spring. What I remember most are the stars at night and the energy of the land, the many birds and the feeling of the mountain lion watching us. And can you believe it, angry people lived here.