Monday, November 12, 2007

Letter to Carolyn.

Hi again,

No, I don't believe God wants us to be happy. I think God wants so much more of us than feeling good. I think God wants us to fulfill our destinies, whether we are happy or not. I think happiness is a personal choice in every moment. I think we are happy when we are able to completely let go and enjoy the moment, be relaxed with what is as it is whatever it is. True freedom and enjoyment comes from within and not so much from what we have, and usually it comes for most from a great inner transformation.

When you speak of this (you have before too) you sound as if you believe that I am not happy. Christ, I couldn't be a more exalted person right now. If you got to really hang out with me every day you would know that. It's also only the past three years or so that I have been in such a huge transition where I know I am coming into a whole new life and where I have been wondering how that is going to manifest, what it's going to look like. It's beyond personal control, it's destiny for me, whether I go with it or not. If I don't move along with it, if I try to control it, the tension and suffering is extreme. If I go along with it I experience such wonder, awe and beauty at how it all unfolds. I just have not yet arrived at the other side of this big change that I am in.

(Find out about the Tao - Chinese philosophy. It will explain this.) I have always known that my life is set up into two parts; the first half of my life during which I would experience certain things and then the second part of my life in which I would experience totally different things. When I met D. I knew I had entered the break from my old life and the beginning of the second half of my life. That's the time when you met me, just before the big break and entrance into the transition phase. I am now in the very last part of the transition period, just about to see some new things manifest in my external life. During this transition period I have changed soo much, had to I guess, in order to take on my new work. That inner change too has come to a culmination and to an end sort of; my personal training and inner awakening.

I don't run my life entirely on my own, you know. I never have and only when I have listened to others who say we all decide everything ourselves (there is no God) and I try it their way that's when I get tremendously in trouble, weirded out and chaotic. When I go with the flow and observe where my life is taking me and what my life wants from me that's when it becomes such a wonder, a mystery and great adventure. I don't get to have what most others have, but I get to have a whole lot that most others never experience.

God didn't make me this way, take me through all these challenges and growth and give me such a precise and thorough training in the metaphysical and spiritual field to let me go and do what ever I wanted, to spend my time living for myself and waist my life on fulfilling personal whims and wishes. Nope, sorry. And that I have battled against over the years. (Others have free will ... why not me, eh.) No, in this time we now live in I must make my life in service to others, and so it is whether I want to or not.

What I want most is I want purpose to my life and I am looking for how it will look to make sense to me. Sometimes it doesn't look like it makes sense and then I see the bigger picture and it is awesome. I have been seeing myself in a totally new position and place in the world and it has scared me for years, but now I am OK with it. It has not started yet, but it will in time.

You don't have to get my life. I don't even get my life half the time. God has a place for me, just hasn't brought me to it yet. You'll see. Meanwhile, in preparation for, I go over all the places I have been and look over all the people I have known and see what all the experiences I have had, remember the good and release them to make space for new wonders. Make sense?