Sunday, November 11, 2007


Deep grief. Feels like I need to go back home. Am questioning this. So hard to yet once again start over. Want else to do? Where is my new life?

Grieving, just for today, the loss of all the things that I have had to let go of to do this journey of mine, which is everything, over and over. Want nothing but permanence and a life that makes sense. Tired of the New Age and spiritual experiences. Where will this go, eh?

I was always so driven to keep going, to move forward and had no time to see where I was or even to enjoy where I was or who I was with. Now as I look back I can see that many of the times in my past were great and lovely and I had my eye on the future and was not paying attention to where I was, I missed the experience I was having and the people I was having them with. I am thinking of long ago, before this crazy journey began for me.

I always felt drawn to something, very drawn, overpoweringly so. It wasn't until the experiences of tremendously unfolding from the shakti from one of my teachers that I realized what it was I had been drawn to; full Realization. (My life is not my own. It was given to God on the day I was born.) I had tried many times to grab a hold of my life and make something out of some talent or gift and make a career from it, make money and make a sensible life from it. It never worked, what I had was always taken from me or crumbled quickly and I was yet again on my way towards something - enlightenment. Now that I have crossed over, what do I do with the rest of my life, that I have never had control over? What's next?

I am living by holy waters now and see a deep cleansing of all that I have ever known or experienced, clearing from my gut. My life was not ordinary before the transformation and certainly not during the transformation and what will it be now, after the transformation, eh? What will it be now, certainly isn't ordinary still. What is it becoming? Such renewal, and I miss life the way it was. All I want is a normal life that will make sense. I guess I can never have that. I still know what is calling me now. Phew!!