In this time of great change for me, since the turn of the millennium, I have to come to know myself, inside out. I have come to have new work and a new work identity. And much also remains the same. All that was useful from the past came with me, yet, I am someone else now.
Now that I have found my new personal identity and new social identity and understood my new work, which all took years to have reveled, very slowly, I shall now put all that aside and complete functioning finances and also go and find my place in the world where I can be, live, love and do my thing. A place that suites and nourishes my new me and my new work and purpose. I must be creative, an artist, a writer. I thought I had to share my becoming and the path one can find oneself upon towards ones own becoming, but now I step away from that, to just be for myself and my little life. (Maybe later I will share in a spiritual way again.)
Now that I have found my new personal identity and new social identity and understood my new work, which all took years to have reveled, very slowly, I shall now put all that aside and complete functioning finances and also go and find my place in the world where I can be, live, love and do my thing. A place that suites and nourishes my new me and my new work and purpose. I must be creative, an artist, a writer. I thought I had to share my becoming and the path one can find oneself upon towards ones own becoming, but now I step away from that, to just be for myself and my little life. (Maybe later I will share in a spiritual way again.)
I am feeling the surge of what I was like when I lived in Europe, my deep artistic self, the observer and commenter, the dresser and decorator, the writer, photographer and painter. My time of becoming spiritual is over and I can do what I want (they say). I want to go back to Europe, fur sure. See the country side and gardens of England, the hills and mountains of Italy, the old castles everywhere, the stone farmhouses of south of France, vineyards and lavender fields, the cafes of Vienna, concerts with Amy Winehouse, the street life of Paris and London, the impeccable deep blue of the Mediterranean sea, the heat of Greece, the oriental influences of Seville and Granada in Spain . . . I want to find a big, old house on the country and settle in.
I have yet to decide in which part I will live, but I do know I will just live and live the small and manageable life I have wanted since '97. Just see the sun come up, eat good food from the region, take walks to town, see some people, sit at cafes and write, paint. organize my house with antiques and stuff from around the world and have people come and stay long periods. I like most the Mediterranean areas and will take residence anywhere on the sea. It must be warm and have people like me. I like places that have an international crowd and flair.
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The attention I received for my work in Los Angeles was all warped. People there were only interested in the phenomena of it and not the actual effects and benefits. People were eager to glorify and adore me, without knowing exactly what I do. It was empty and frightening and I ran from it from the start and instead went deeper into spiritual becoming. Having been in Arizona for all this time has cleansed me from all the strains of living in L.A. and in the sort of demented mentality that L.A. (mostly) holds. I am no longer reverberating from the challenges of trying to be real in an ocean of people who were warped, too intense and with no interest in the real.
I have considered very seriously going back to L.A. and resuming my place and work there because that was the only thing that seemed to make sense for a long time. People do want this kind of stuff there yet not seriously. On the very day after I fully decided to go back to L.A. and live there; I had even let people know I was coming back; it was crystal clear to me I was going back to Europe, crystal . . .
I have wondered on a couple of decisions for a while. Back to Europe or back to L.A.? Be available to teach spiritually and share publicly or live small, privately and just for myself and do my thing, my art - and do my connection to the divine privately? I have been pulled between what I thought could be my destiny, purpose and God's will for me, and what I felt in other parts of my being, things I really also would like to do, a more personal will. Hmm . . . It is now looking like I can have what I need instead of having to be entirely and totally of service to the Plan and only that. My life unfolds by itself in a new way. I see there is now more of a focus from the divine on my personal needs, not so much and all the time on work. I am being restored back into the world from this crazy and all - consuming spiritual journey I have been on now for so many years and I like that. NORMAL !!! I waited for normal. Thank you my people upstairs and the Mother All. I feel like I am coming out of a long dream and I get to go back to be with real people.
All the things of my personal life and my personality that have been forced onto the back burner for so long because of the spiritual becoming are now coming back to me. I greatly rejoice !!
