Friday, January 18, 2008

After kundalini.

Now after full kundalini awakening, I feel like I am getting my life back, slowly. My life restored, free will restored, order, ability to create my life (with guidance) as I see fit. I feel freer, more grounded again, organized and very, very creative and full of life.

My kundalini was activated during a very traumatic experience in January of 1993. I didn't know it at the time, of course. I didn't know about it for many years. I just recently realized it.

My activated kundalini moved through my root chakra and life experiences connected to the root chakra for about 4 - 5 years, clearing and balancing, during which time I found and began to develop my work. Then it moved into my second chakra and moved in that for a little over three years, moving through life experiences connected to the second chakra, sexuality and creativity. I received tremendous and perfect sexual healing during that time and began to write. Then the energy moved into my solar plexus chakra and I entered a period where I was developing a deep understanding of who I truly was as a person; I found personal identity and who I was in the world and deep and perfect healing in these areas. I came out knowing who I was, what I liked and what I didn't like, what I wanted and what didn't want, what I was all about. Then the kundalini moved into and through my heart chakra, throat chakra and third eye chakra more or less at the same time, making me feel first tremendous love, bliss, ecstacy, beauty and rapture. I was flying on those feelings intensely in 2004 and onward. Moving into times of tremendous work energy, expressing deeply who I was and what I did in a complicated work project. In the summer of 2005, during meditation, a green serpent popped its head out of my third eye and light erupted from my crown chakra like a fountain or a vulcano. I kept working hard and also noticing continued spiritual development, deepening and understanding. From the summer of 2006 to the summer of 2007 I had to go deeply into the deep unconscious and dark realms and fight and clear away massive debris, violence and attacks. Nasty. In the spring of 2007 my kundalini reached my crown chakra and activated and exploded there the previously dormant divine Light we all have. The experience was tremendous and brought everything, all awareness into permanent Oneness. This past year (almost) have brought balance to that experience and the perfect emptiness and movement of perfect Shiva/Shakti union. Balance.

The thing is . . . I was not aware of this all being the kundalini rising in me until the kundalini was already in my third eye chakra. I was not familiar with it what so ever until recently, strangely enough, so I couldn't understand what was going on with me . . .

. . . my life during this time (15 years) was so totally out of sync, tumultuous, out of order, crazy, unmanagable, on the brink of... , messy and chaotic, disastrous, a desperate whirlwind, painful, insane, unsynchronized, backwards and up side down . . . and I was ill, more or less insane, confused, angry, moving about, traveling and fighting for my life.

After this turmoil and not being able to control anything, I've been told by the heavens I can now again do what I wish. It is stunning after all this time of being so totally out of control. Having been forced to just go with it and having had many periods of rebellion that has brought me over time to total surrender, I now don't know what I could possibly want. So I continue to go with the flow, pray and let it go and this is how I find my way.

I have gone through the most unbelievable transformation, until recently my life was reeling from it. I don't know exactly where I fit in now or how to go about things or how to go on with my life. Don't know where to live, don't know what to do, don't know what I want. Of course, I want loving community, purpose and meaning and things to work.

Reeling from this change, I cannot see the outer world, the external world, my life . . . all I see and relate to is Light. The direction my life now takes must happen on its own, I am powerless. I can pray and visualize all I want, try or do all I want, nothing much happens. (Timing, you know.) There is only this tremendous Light, immense and massive Presence.

I want to work. I want to be of service. I feel as if something above is directing it all. All free will and control was taken from me when my kundalini was first activated in '93. Yet, I am grateful for what I have, even though my new life, the expression of the new is not yet here.