Saturday, December 1, 2007

Reeling from change.

Everything is happening and nothing is happening both at the same time. Maybe it is because of the age I now find myself in, just entered a new decade (maybe this decade is that different), or maybe it is a mid life crisis (not a crisis if one goes with the flow), maybe it's just major life changes (huge), maybe changes from the kundalini effect on my life, maybe some sort of sanity recovery (or loss), maybe because I turned my life over to God (probably).

I have known during all my adult years that I will have two distinctly separate and entirely different parts to life. The first part of my life I would experience certain things and not be able to change them (always travel and moving, restlessness, independence, seeing the world, learning, growing, meeting thousands of people - no real friends, lack, loss, no security, no home, no belonging, no community, ill health ... pretty much lack of everything while gathering information and experience), then I would enter the second part of my life where everything would be pretty much the total opposite (having everything and experiencing settled-ness in the world, creativity and all abundance of all things).

I lived in Europe, on Hawaii and in L.A. during which time everything made sense and I knew what I was about and what my life was about, I had clarity on every level. Things grew and developed. I followed a certain direction. Then I lost everything over night (again, a thousand times it seems). Having now spent the past three years in the transition phase from my old life into the second part of my life, I have lost everything I knew and understood and slowly gained new identity and new understanding of so much.

I know who I am and what my life is about, I know what I like and what I don't like and what I want and what I don't want. I am in a perfect groove.

I don't know clearly yet where I will land, where I'll be placed. I don't know about my external life yet. Everything happens by itself without any effort (or not, no matter the effort), which I know is the effects of the kundalini. Everything happens differently. I am still waiting to know where in the world I am to be and what I am to do. I may not have to work for a living, having made arrangements to retire from having to labor to survive. So, I will paint, take pictures, spend time in nature, garden, write and publish, have a big house, rest and chill and so on. Maybe travel. I feel so drawn to the south of France, where Sarah came ashore long time ago.